Loving Her
by Ledger.Lines
Summary: 3 Times in which Severus Snape's mind was drawn to Lily Evans.
1. Losing Her

**AN: This is for the tragedy challenge by  
>I hope you guys like it!<strong>

Severus walked down the road, shivering from the cold. It was too chilly not to have a coat, but he wouldn't be out long.

He had heard whispers among the Dark Lord's most faithful, but he had to see for himself if the rumours were true.

He arrived at Godric's Hollow to find their house. The door was open, and all of the lights on. A baby cried.

He strode in, careful not to attract unnecessary attention. He entered the house, and the metallic smell of blood hit his nose almost instantly. There had clearly been some sort of struggle, though by the entranceway you wouldn't be able to tell.

He looked around, and eventually found the nursery. James' body was the first thing he saw, and he stepped over it, feeling very little remorse for the man who'd almost killed him.

His eyes swept the room, finally landing on his deepest fear. He felt the blood drain from his face, and the pounding in his ears drowned out the baby's cries.

His face contorted in aguish as he let loose a terrible scream. He stopped at her body and fell over it, sobbing.

He stayed in that way, until his tears had run out and he was sobbing dryly. The pounding had also faded, and he could again hear the baby's cries.

There was little baby Harry, screaming at the top of his lungs for his mother and father.

Fresh tears stung Snape's eyes, as he realized that his life would greatly resemble his own. He would never know what it was like to have Lily's love.

He took the child in his arms, thankful he hadn't made a mess, and held him. The child ceased to make any sound, and looked up at him, clearly confused.

Severus had very little experience with small children, but from what he had seen, they liked to be bounced and rocked. He stood there awkwardly holding Harry Potter on his hip, swaying back and forth in an effort to keep the baby from crying.

After some time the boy had clearly deemed himself comfortable in this situation, and reached up to grab Severus' hooked nose. He made a face that Harry must have found terribly amusing, because he proceeded to giggle.

"You don't even understand boy. She's not coming back, and she never will. She's gone Harry, mummy's gone." The boy looked up at him with startling green eyes, and cooed at him in a curious way.

"You are so lucky that you won't be able to remember this boy." Harry merely reached for Severus' nose, and once again burst into a fit of giggles. He looked at a clock, and realised word must have spread by now, and to be seen here would not be at all appropriate.

He placed Harry back in his cradle, and turned to leave. As he was about to walk out the door, he heard a sound, that sounded suspiciously like "Buh-Bye." But then again, he was just a baby, and those sounds were commonplace for any infant.

He turned around, and looked at the boy again, noticing his eyes. Remembering how her eyes used to light up at the sight of him. Then, how they used to darken when she saw him with Lucius. He walked over, and hesitantly kissed the child's forehead.

Severus Snape left Godric's hollow minutes before the medi-witches and Daily Prophet arrived. He was never back.


	2. Missing Her

Severus so hated funerals. Now his hatred could only grow. He kept well out of sight although his cloaking charm had worked quite well. It was a muggle funeral, which meant all who were there were dressed quite appropriately.

As Remus finished his eulogy for James, he announced that he would also give one for Lily. _Her parents must be far too distressed to even speak._

As Remus started, reminiscing upon their school days, Severus' mind wandered to a time between the school terms when he had knocked on her door.

"Hello? Oh, it's you." Her emerald eyes darkened at his appearance. "Lily, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, and I just want it all to be as it was!"

She glared, "Severus, nothing can be as it was. You know what you said, and you knew what you were saying when you said it."

His eyes began to pool in anguish. "But Lily, you don't understand. I love you."

"Clearly you didn't. Not enough anyways." A strange expression flitted across her features, and she shut the door. He knocked again, but the lock slid shut. He walked back to his now empty house, the tears had begun to pour down his cheeks.

He was furious. "James Potter, you have distorted her. Lily, you have forsaken me. I suppose I should turn to the unwavering." He fully devoted his summer to the study of potions, mixing, heating, testing, fixing. He knew nothing else until Lucius knocked at his door.

"Severus, hello." Snape nodded, "What do you want?"

"I am having a rally for the Dark Lord's supporters at my manor, can I count you among our numbers? He himself will be there. It will be quite the opportunity."

He hesitated, thinking of Lily and how she would react. _Wait, she doesn't care. _"You can. Name me the time."

"This Friday, 6:00, don't be late." Lucius swept away, not so much as a good-bye.

Severus' attention returned to Remus' eulogy, "She was an incredibly talented witch, and I count myself lucky to have known her. Now for her family."

Snape was shocked to see Petunia get up to the podium. "My sister was young, and full of life. It is a shock to me, as it is to all of you I'm sure, that she is gone. I never knew any of her school friends, she always went away on vacations, not wishing to bother me. I knew one of her friends though, and through from her ninth birthday to her sixteenth, he was her constant companion. Completely loyal to her. I'll admit I thought they would get married, and although they didn't, I have no doubt that Severus Snape loved my sister very much, nearly more than I did myself. I don't believe he's here today, but I know he would join us in our sorrow if he were. When we were small children…" Severus tuned out her speech, his body trembling. _She thought we'd get married? How could she have thought that? _

Knowing that he was close enough to Lily that her sister thought of their future proved to be too much, he broke down into sobs. He had just barely cast the muffliato charm before he really broke down.

He looked up to see Remus standing over him. _Damnit. Not soon enough. _

Remus bent down. "Severus, I know that's you. Why are you in disguise?" He looked genuinely concerned.

Severus managed to slightly fade the cloaking jinx so that he could motion for Remus to go outside with him. He and Remus had never really been enemies. Remus was guilty, however, by association.

"Okay Severus, now, why are you cloaked?" Severus swallowed the tears, and managed to talk, though his voice was thick with sorrow. "She hates me. Petunia, she's always hated me. I didn't think she'd let me in."

Remus shook his head. "Severus, I don't think you'd have to worry about that. I'd imagine that even if she tried, you'd push past her anyways." His feeble attempt at a joke did nothing for Snape's aching chest.

"Remus I loved her, I really did." He sobbed dryly into his hands. Remus put a hand on his back, in an attempt to comfort. He shrugged it off.

"I'm going to leave now. I think I've done enough damage." Severus turned on the spot and disappeared with a pop.


	3. Joining Her

_I'm going to die, this is it, it's all over. My miserable life is almost to an end. Voldemort and all he has made me do have cursed my soul to hell. This old soul, weak and weary from the world's cruelties, will soon be in the fiery inferno that awaits. _

As he gave Harry his memories, a thought struck him. "Potter, look at me." The boy's eyes met his. With those emerald pools came the memories of his past, her soft red hair, her smile, and as his vision of the eyes faded, he saw one last glimpse of them. He heard her say, "Not enough anyways." And her eyes in that moment, looked how he had never seen them before. Lost, sad, and loving.


End file.
